I'm Sorry
by FanficFinatic2
Summary: "I just couldn't take it anymore. All the bullshit the bullying, beatings, yelling, arguing, the pain. It was all just too much. I didn't want to cry anymore. I didn't want to hide my cuts and bruises. I didn't want to be hurt anymore I didn't want to suffer any longer..." TW: Suicide, Mentioned Self harm. Characters are prob OOC. Sadstuck!DaveKat sort of. Slight Romance eh idk.


_**A/N: Okay so sorry if this is really bad. I'm sad, upset and angry while writing this and I need a way to get it out without hurting someone so here you go.**_

**Trigger Warnings: Suicide, mentioned self harm**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Homestuck or its characters. That privilege belongs to Andrew Hussie. **

***EDIT* Changed some grammar errors. **

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I just couldn't take it anymore. All the bullshit the bullying, beatings, yelling, arguing, the pain. It was all just too much. I didn't want to cry anymore. I didn't want to hide my cuts and bruises. I didn't want to be hurt anymore. I didn't want to suffer any longer. I just wanted to be free. Free of everything. Free of the world that only brought me pain and suffering. Free of the world that my father fucked up for me. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to be free of the world where my mom and dad hated each other and I was somehow caught in the middle. I was to blame for their problems according to my father. If I had never been born they would still be happy. My father wouldn't have started hurting her. They'd be better off without me. If I was never born I wouldn't of had to go through everything I have. Maybe if I was born into another family I would've been happy and my parents too but of course I wasn't. I was born here with them and it was all my fault that everything went to hell.

All of it is what drives me to make this decision and I can't help but wonder what will happen when I leave forever never to come back. I wonder if everything will go back to the way it was before I was born. I figure it will and that brings a smile to my face knowing that my parents will be happy.

I frown immediately after though because I realize my friends Dave, and John may miss me. I shake my head I have to do this it's the only way.

They'll understand...or Dave at least will. He's the only one who knows what I go through. I pray that he'll understand. I know I love Dave more than a friend should and I'm glad I found someone to love and someone who cared for me before I left.

I ponder it over for a moment before I decide to write them each a letter explaining myself I don't want to leave before saying goodbye. It takes me a minute to figure out what I want to say but eventually I have both letters and I'm ready to go.

I get up from my bed and leave the house walking to Dave's whose house is only a three away from mine. Once I get there I put both letters in his mailbox and run off back to my place.

I know he'll give the other one to John so that's why I put them both in there. It's because Dave's the closest to me and I don't have much time before my parents arrive home so I need to get this over with or they'll find a way to stop me.

I go back in my house and to my fathers room going straight for the dresser I quickly search for what I need and find it in the top drawer. It's cold and heavy in my hand and for a moment I'm tempted not to do what I'm about to do but that thought is gone as soon as it comes. I close the drawer and walk back to my bedroom and sit on the bed.

I take a deep breath it's time. I'm about to do something I should have done a long time ago.

I look at the gun and check to make sure it's loaded. It is. I knew it was but I wanted to be sure and now that I've looked I can't help but to feel like I was supposed to do this. There's only one bullet in the gun and it has my name written all over it. I actually want this to be painful so I can at least feel something before I die. I know I'm doing this to get away from the pain but right now I don't feel anything. I don't regret what I'm about to do not one bit and so I at least want to be able to feel something before I die. Even if it's pain because that's the last thing I'll feel before I escape it all.

I point the gun to the middle of my chest and pull the trigger (I'll bleed to death this way) the shot rings loud and I know somewhere in the back of my mind that the whole neighborhood heard it.

Before I can think anymore on that thought the pain is immediate and I fall to my back on my bed. I'm vaguely aware that there are tears falling down my face but all I can focus on is the pain. It's so intense, more than I imagined it'd be. I'm struggling to breath and choking on sobs as I slowly bleed out.

My sheets are slowly turning red with the color of my blood. It's actually a pretty sight and it momentarily distracts me from the pain I'm feeling but not for long.

I'm groaning and whimpering in agony when I hear the front door slam open. That's just my luck that my parents would come home now of all times. "KARKAT! KARKAT!? THERE WERE GUNSHOTS! ARE YOU OKAY?! KARKAT WHERE ARE YOU!

I vaguely hear someone calling my name downstairs but I'm obviously in no position to respond. I hear running up the stairs then my room door is thrown open to reveal a very flustered Dave. He smiles at first then his hand is suddenly over his mouth as he rushes over to me.

"Karkat...?" he questions crawling over to me on the bed not even caring that the sheets are stained in my blood. He looks me over and takes off his shades. I meet his stunning red eyes and see many emotions flicker across his features. Shock, sadness, fear, anger all in a row.

"Oh my god Karkat wha-what did you do? No no no this isn't happening" and suddenly tears are flowing down his face. It makes me frown I don't want to see him cry. I reach my arm up-even though it hurts to do so-and wipe his tears away giving him a small smile. He looks down at me with a somber look.

"Karkat why?" the sadness evident in his voice. I look away letting my arm fall back to the bed.

Even though it's hard for me to breathe I manage to get out: "Y-you kn-know ev-eve-ry-th-in-g"

"Karkat I'm calling an ambulance you're going to be okay. You have to be okay..." he whispers the last part but I still caught it. "no" I whisper and I know hears me but he still calls. He's a stuttering shaking mess and I've never seen him this way he's always been the one that never loses his cool but right now he lost it.

He sat back on the bed and pulled me into his lap putting pressure on my wound. I knew it wouldn't do much I'd already lost too much blood.

He gently stroked my hair while I still cried I didn't want him here when I died I didn't want him to have to see me like this but there was nothing I could do about it now.

"Please don't leave me...don't go. I need you..." he kept saying these things over and over again like a mantra and it broke my heart inside to know that I was the one who caused his pain. I couldn't even look at him.

"K-karkat I-I why? It's my fault is-isn't i-t? Y-yes it is I god I should ha-ave hel-lped you oh god its all my fault..." He was choking on sobs and rocking back and forth as he said this.

"D-da-ve it's n-no-t yo-ur f-au-ult. D-don't e-vv-ver think that." This time I looked at him and he was a total mess his eyes were puffy and red and he was sniffling. I couldn't believe I'd done this to him. I'm horrible.

"Don't worry you're going to be fine...you'll be fine" Even as he said this I knew he was just trying to convince himself. He didn't know how much pain I was in. I could feel it I'd be gone soon. I could hear sirens in the distance but they wouldn't get here in time, that I was sure of.

"Dave I-I..." I said it in a whisper so he didn't hear me. It was getting hard for me to talk because my throat was filling up with what I assumed was blood and I could barely breathe.

Dave continued stroking my hair and trying to soothe me by telling me I'd be okay.

I tried speaking again. "Dave-cough-I-I ne-ed to-choke- te-ell you so-me-th-hi-ng" My words were choked out but he understood me.

"Karkat what is it?" he asked his voice laced with concern and sadness.

"I-I you-re the o-nl-ly one t-th-that has e-vver tre-eated me l-like a-n-e-qu-al a-nd al-lso kno-w's a-bo-out m-yy -li-ffe s-o th-th-anks" His face looked like he was shocked until more tears started falling down his face which made me cry.

"Kar-k-at w-wh-y are you t-telling me this now?" I looked up at him and smiled.

"Be-ec-ca-use I-i w-w-an-t you t-to -kn-ow h-o-ow I f-fe-eel. I-i w-an-t y-ou to k-now I-i l-love y-you" He looked at me for a minute before he smiled and started sobbing uncontrollably into his hands blood smearing on his face, my blood. I wasn't sure why he was crying until he suddenly kissed me. It was nice but weird because we were both crying. It was good and I didn't want to stop but he pulled away as I gasped for breath. It didn't help that I already could barely breathe.

He stroked my cheek wiping away the tears even as more came. Then he spoke.

"Karkat I-I l-l-o-ove you too." That's when I knew that what I had done was a terrible mistake that I could never take back. I started sobbing uncontrollably causing me to choke and gasp for breath but it was no use. Dave tried to calm me down but it didn't help. Blood started coming out of my mouth and Dave was screaming. He didn't want me to die. He begged and cried which he never did and I knew that I had messed up bad. I didn't want to die anymore but I knew there was nothing I could do. I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper but before I succumbed to the darkness that surrounded me I managed to grab his hand lightly squeezing it as I choked out: "I regret it I'm sorry I regret it. I don't want to die. Goodbye." Daves eyes went wide and the tears flowed. The paramedics had finally arrived along with my parents and they had all dashed into the room but it was too late I was already gone and I regretted it. I regretted it so much.

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_**Hey John, it's me Karkat. If you're reading this then that means I'm dead. It means everything that's been happening finally got to me. I know you don't know what was going on in my life so I'm going to tell you. Okay so...I guess I should start from the beginning really. **_

_**Well when I was born I guess it was a shock to my parents because my mom wasn't supposed to be able to have kids and then I came along. I was their little red eyed miracle. **_

_**Up until I started middle school everything was great and my family loved me. Anyway 6th grade is when my life went downhill. I started getting bullied because of my height, my red eyes, the way I dressed and pretty much everything in-between. It started off as just name-calling and I didn't mind much I had gotten used to it but by the time I got to 8**__**th**__** grade it turned into getting beat up. I came home with a black eye a few times and my parents started to get suspicious but I just told them it was nothing. Then one day I got jumped and I got beat up pretty bad ended up having to go to the hospital and get stitches. After that I had to tell my parents what was going on and my dad he just started yelling at me like I was the one to blame. He said I needed to learn how to fight back to be a man and I shouldn't let others pick on me so I tried fighting back once but it only made things worse on me. **_

_**By the time high-school rolled around I was getting beat up by my dad and the people at school. I started cutting but it didn't do much for me so I stopped after about a month. My parents started arguing and yelling and I just couldn't believe it they had always been the happiest people. I knew they loved each other which is probably why my mom stayed with him but I couldn't take it and everything they said got to me. My dad he kept saying I was the problem the reason their marriage was failing. Somewhere deep down I didn't want to believe it but I knew it was true. All of their bickering combined with everything else going on in my life was starting to break me...then I met you and Dave and I couldn't help but to think that I finally had people in my life that actually cared and you guys did you cared a lot more than anyone else and I want to thank you for that. Even though you didn't know what was going on John I want you to know it wasn't your fault so I don't want you to blame yourself. Dave he knew. You were the only one who didn't. I didn't want him to help me but he offered and tried every chance he got. I guess I just wasn't ready to get help and now I'm gone. John I want you to know that you were one of my best and only friends. Take care. Don't cry over me. In the end I just wasn't strong enough to hold on so it's no ones fault but mine. Be happy and cherish the good life you have.**_

_**Love,**_

_** Karkat Vantas**_

_**P.S. Don't forget me...**_

I put my hand over my mouth trying to stifle my sobs but in the end it didn't work. I removed my hand and just let the tears and sobs come.

I couldn't believe he was gone it wasn't fair. It just wasn't right. Why him? He was the nicest person I knew. I couldn't believe I never noticed he was suffering.

I guess everyone was right I really am oblivious to things that are almost plain to see. In this case it wasn't funny though. I had just lost one of my best friends and there was nothing I could do about it except do as he said and live my life. He said not to cry too but I can't not do that. I'll always remember him though because even when someone's gone forever they're still in your heart always.

I was currently at Daves house and me and him were reading our letters from Karkat. He was comforting me and patting my back. I buried my face in his shoulder and cried soaking his shirt with my tears. It just wasn't fair I didn't want him to go. I wanted to do so many things with him. I thought I thought he'd be with us forever and now he's just gone forever.

_**Karkat wherever you are I'll never forget you. **_

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_**Okay so how to start...um well I guess there's not much to say. I mean you already know what's been going on in my life. I really just want you to know it isn't your fault that I killed myself. I know you tried your hardest to help me but I didn't want you to not because I didn't think you could. I knew you could help me I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just wasn't ready for anyone to help me. I was used to it so maybe it wasn't the fact that I wasn't ready maybe it's because I had lived like that so long that I was afraid? That's it I was afraid of what would happen. I was scared. I was afraid because I didn't know what would happen. I was scared of change. I...I guess I was just in too deep to realize that I needed help and now I know but it's too late. It's too late because I couldn't take it anymore and I pulled the trigger. I was just too far gone. I don't think anyone could have saved me so I don't want you to feel bad about it. I want you to keep living your life like you did before you met me. I want you to take care of John because I know that even if your sad about my death you won't show it as much as he will so I want you to make sure he's okay. **_

_**Don't let him be consumed by sadness. I need you both to keep living even though I'm not. I know you can take anything that comes your way so I want this to be one of those things. I know it may take awhile to get used to it but I know you'll do it. The only thing I ask is that you don't forget me ever. I know it's a lot to ask of someone but I just want to know that someone is still thinking of me since I'm gone. **_

_**Now here's the part where I tell you something that I kept from you and I really hope you won't be mad or disgusted but I couldn't help it it just sort of happened. Okay deep breath...alright um so I guess a week -or maybe even less-after I met you I started noticing you more. Like not the same as usual it was different I was noticing the different things about you that no one else noticed like the way you would slightly smile at things when you thought no one would notice and the way your eyebrow twitched when you were amused. I noticed when girls flirted with you you would smile or keep laughing at their dumb jokes but underneath your shades I knew you were annoyed even though you pretended to be cool about it. Dave I noticed all these small little things and then soon after I realized that I was in love with you...I wondered if you noticed. I started spending more time with you because even if I knew you'd never feel the same I was fine just being friends and as long as that friendship was there I didn't mind. So Dave you were the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm glad I was able to know what love felt like before I left the world for good so thanks for that. I wish I would've known if you liked me back though...I guess some things just aren't meant to be. **_

_**Don't blame yourself it was all me. Take care of John and move on from me I guess but know that even though I'm not alive anymore you'll still be in my heart wherever I end up...if I have a heart where I end up...um you know what forget that. I just want you to know I'll never forget you because I loved you still do and you tried to help me so thanks again.**_

_**Sincerely,**_

_**Karkat loves Dave Vantas.**_

_**P.S. Sorry about the joke there but I thought you would need a good laugh. I know this isn't a joking matter but I didn't want you to be sad. I love you Don't forget me...**_

Great Karkat was gone. I was there too. I'll never forget his last words. He said he regretted it. He said he didn't want to die. He told me he was sorry and there was nothing I could do to stop any of it from happening. None of it was fair. The paramedics got there too late and I cradled him in my arms until my Bro came and took me away.

On my way out I almost attacked his parents screaming that it was their fault and his mom just silently sobbed while his dad stood there doing nothing showing no signs of emotion it made me mad and I wanted nothing more than to make him suffer and feel the pain Karkat did but my Bro held me back as he dragged me out of the house.

Once I got home I ran straight to my room and threw myself on the bed sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't believe he was gone. I cried for hours and hours after that because really what else was I going to do?

I loved him that was for sure. I was glad he knew that now I just wish I'd known before.

When I read his attempt at a joke I couldn't help but laugh through my tears. I wouldn't ever forget him but it would take me a long while to get over it. I didn't know how long but I knew it wouldn't be any time soon. They say you never really get over your first love.

I knew I would have to help John through this too. He wouldn't be able to handle it on his own and I knew that as did Karkat. John and I would probably never truly get over Karkats death but I knew that as long as I kept him in my heart he would still be here with me even if I couldn't see him or hold him. We would get through this it was a fact.

I thought of him as me and John both held each other sobbing into each others shoulder both trying to console the other.

_**I will always love you Karkat no matter what...wherever you are**_

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_**A/N: There you have it the epitome of my emotions.  
**_

_**The end**_


End file.
